Hey, lovely, sexy beautiful people, I did a talk this past Tuesday about the subjects surrounding love Sex and disabilities, the event itself was set up as part of my Uni’s sexual awareness week and I’m so honoured that I was given the chance to SPEAK on a subject I feel passionate about. Below is the final version of my script hopefully it translates well, however as soon as I can get the footage I’ll upload it, cause I feel its more than words, honoured and humbled at the reception my ‘lecture/’talk’ got. Much love to all those involved in this, please enjoy feedback is welcome!
SPEAK: A student-led lecture series.
SAFE Week Special – Tuesday 10th February 2015
‘Love, Sex and Relationships as a person with disabilities’.
Introduction: Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
About yourself – name, age, hometown, programme of study, career ambitions?
Kyle, 25, Northumberland, Media and Music, Activism and Music.
About your disability – What? Why? How does it affect your life?
Cerebal Palsy, severe form, not progressive, immobile.
Have you lost your virginity?
Yes and like most people it was with the wrong person, a typical high school sweet heart, she was able bodied.
Why love sex and relationship as a person with disabilities are potentially difficult?
Lack of proper education, its different but the same, and my previous girlfriend had Cerebral Palsy but not as severely as me, but we were both in wheelchairs and so when we wanted to be intimate we had to be very open about our love life with care givers.
Basically, at the college we were at we had to book carers in advance, to get me into her bed, and that’s all I would ever ask a carer to do. Although other people require further assistance, I could have asked for help to put a condom on but to be honest for me that’s crossing a boundary so I stubbornly would struggle when the time came but at the time I loved her and it was worth it.
There’s lot to overcome in my opinion, if both people in the relationship need care or have a physical disability. It’s hard to be romantic, when everything has to be planned like a military operation, there’s only one space on busses and most taxis for disabled people. Also meeting people is hard because most carers clock off at 10pm so going clubbing is not the easiest thing to do and that’s where most people go to “pull”, also it is too loud for people to hear me.
So, confidence is a prevalent feature in relationships, what are your experiences of this?
Before I started university I knew I had confidence issues, and sexually I felt frustrated and confused or even scared. It might sound dodgy but to kind of further understand myself and gain confidence, I started seeing escorts. It’s nothing to brag about, but I’m not ashamed of it either, at the time it was the only way I could get any kind of release. I can’t really D.I.Y so there was a lot of stuff I needed to get out, it was such a release, it wasn’t just about sex, it was about feeling “normal” for me.
The ladies were beautiful and seemed like nice caring people, but it’s a job, the reason I mention the escort thing is because, yes it’s a thrill and it was an experience I’ll never be ashamed of, it did the trick, but once the purpose was complete, it left me empty. I actually had a conversation with an escort about wanting to love someone, I was surprised that she encouraged me to try online dating. There’s an awesome documentary called Sex On Wheels that kind of encouraged me to go and try the escort out and I agree that as long as you don’t get attached you can get a lot from doing that, of course be careful. If you can’t masturbate, if you don’t feel sexy, and you’re surrounded by sex than why not pay for it, people pay for counselling, massages and education, sex is important.
How do you meet people?
Well, I’ve tried online dating but have not had much success! Unfortunately conversation tends to end when I mention my disability. Although it can be a frustration, I think it’s about having faith and going places where my kind of people go to, by that I mean artist and activist types, I don’t like clubbing so why would I pretend to.
Many myths surround love, sex and relationships with people with disabilities? Can you dispel some of these?
A big thing for me is the fact disability is not society’s idea of sexy and its bullshit, we are all sexy! Society are given a certain way to view disabled people, we are either heroes for trying or a thing to be pitied. There are not enough disabled people represented on TV, and the idea of sex and disability is only ever on for a fetish or a comedic audience in my opinion.
So because there’s little information on this, people are scared to ask questions. Therefore a lot of people are missing out, not just on sex but on love too, I mean people may assume I can’t have sex but find me attractive or like my personality, but they might not want to take anything further.
It is obvious that society’s view of beauty is not based on reality, not that I agree or disagree with it, I’ve never seen a page three model with any kind of physical disability. porn is horrendous in many ways but I’ve genuinely looked for disability porn to like see what’s possible and the only stuff I’ve seen is fetish rubbish, there is somewhere that porn could be useful.
I’m not promoting image based relationships, we should be with people based on more then just appearances, if a women can’t see past my wheelchair, past my disability than that’s not the kind of thing I want personally. Nobody should compromise themselves to be loved, we really do need to see past the image to get the full picture, we are all beautiful in our own way, instead of tearing people down for looking a certain way why can’t we compliment each other, there are so many attractive people in here by the way, even you Thomas!
- Don’t want to become someone else’s burden
Personally I am aware of the high level of care, I never really want a girlfriend to be in the position where she would feel that She would have to, “look after me” I have care assistance for that. I want a women, a partner to love, maybe if its more private and easier for her to feed me my dinner or something, but that’s something of a myth too, I feel that most disabled people don’t want to become a burden or a hassle, we want to be in it together, well I do, the whole acting like a carer thing is abit grey, cause if you want to help and its in a loving way, it can be fun and bonding but I would never want to become a burden or a job for my partner.
- The notion of a person with disabilities being viewed as a fetish as opposed to a human being
Sex and disability is clearly a taboo for some reason, it shouldn’t make people feel icky and its not immoral we are human, we love, we need to express that so, sex. Very recently I’ve had friends tell me that there social worker refused to allow his partner to share his bed because “it was wrong” and this is a social worker. Adult consensual sex is a beautiful thing and for some-one in authority to deem it wrong are dirty could be very damaging to someone’s confidence. A lot of lads it seems from the podcasts ive been listening to would, “bed” a person with a physical disability as a fetish conquest, which is wrong. I believe, that’s like the whole inspiration porn debate, basically, if I inspire you it better be because of me as a person not as a disabled person, so if your going to hook up with a disabled person, it better be because you find that person sexy in someway not the disability, it seems to be a fetish thing. Even I joke about it and say things like once you go spack you don’t go back, but its hard to be seen as sexy I guess when people know you need medical help and stuff, like the thing I use to get into bed looks very clunky but, that’s one perspective another perspective could be that, it looks like a sex swing
I think until love sex and disability become normalised we’ll always be fetishized
Having relationships with people with and without disabilities?
I’ve never had a relationship with a person without a disability, it’s not out of choice so far the opportunity hasn’t come about, questions don’t get asked so assumptions are made on my side as well as the women’s.
I can’t hug you if you’re upset you have to come hug me, which doesn’t feel very romantic, I can’t hold your hand whilst we walk/drive. But I observe and I can make a women feel loved, it’s about creativity, I can text a girl and tell her she’s beautiful, and to come and hug me because she deserves it.
Sexually I may not be able to perform the karma sutra but I’ve spent my life over coming stuff, imagine what I’d overcome if I loved you. I’m a passionate person basically, I appreciate people, but that sounds old but I would love to prove it
- Struggles of having a relationship with a person with disabilities?
Depending on the level of assistance needed. Care arrangements can be frustrating. Its weird at first having your partners mother put your partner into your bed. Sex can be frustrating, injuries are probably more frequent, At my home in Coventry I have 22 hours care support so if my girlfriend and I were in the mood, we’d either have to be very stealthy. Or plan to do stuff when the carer went out, it would be pretty obvious! Going out publicly, having to manoeuvre
our wheelchairs just to kiss is awkward especially if you’re an introvert! But in any case if you love or are really into a person, you should be up for a struggle, nothing worth anything comes along easy, usually
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